Monday, July 27, 2009

Happy Birthday to my dad

Today would have been my dad's 77th birthday. He died nearly 12 years ago, before he even had a chance to grow old. I think of him often, and miss him dearly. Most milestones - his birthday, holidays, the date of his death - pass by with a peaceful calm feeling, knowing he is still here with me, and that one day I shall meet him again.

I'm not sure why, but today its hard - really hard - to miss him. Its nearly 2 a.m. and I'm sitting quietly in the dark, thinking of him, and praying for the strength to get through the day without the deep, engulfing sobs that I feel wrapping their hands around my throat.

I'm lonely for him. He was such a good father.


In The Light

A shadow of joy flickers; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My spirit is with you.
My memories, my thoughts
are embedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think
that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.

In the corner, in the hall,
the car, the yard
These are the places
I stay with you.

My spirit rises every
time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish,
it grows stronger.

I am the feather
that finds you in the yard,
The dimmed light
that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.

I still miss you
and long for the
many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.

As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up
all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
I show you that I am here, and you feel me.
Called to you by your grief,
I try to impress my love deeper
into your consciousness.

As you should, I call out
to the Heavens for help.
You should know that
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.

Please don't feel bad
that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me
so many times.
Talk to me and somehow
I will find a way to answer you.

Whatever your question,
whatever your fear,
I will hear you
I will see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are,
wherever I am needed.
This can be done
because I am in the Light.

When you feel despair,
reach out to me.
I will come.
My love for you truly does
transcend from Heaven to Earth.

Finish your life with the enthusiasm
and zest that you had when we were
together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.

Live life for both of us.

I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light.

---Author Unknown---

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Dream a little dream of me...

I have about 7 or 8 dreams that I have had for close to 20 years. These dreams are always the same, all the same details, people involved, etc. They come without rhyme or reason, and are so familiar to me that I am almost in an awake state when I am dreaming them.

Its funny, but I almost forget the dreams until I have them again, and then I wake up thinking, "there is that darn dream again." Last night's dream was the one about my sister finding out she is pregnant. In the dream, I see her go through all the stages of pregnancy, with her giving birth to a little boy. Then the dream fast forwards, and I see the little boy about two years old.

In the dream, I am near the boy, but I can't touch him. And I never learn his name. That bothers me, both in the dream, and when I wake up. And I ache for this little boy, totally jealous of her getting pregnant by "accident."

There is so much strange in this dream - first, Kathy's boys are 27 and 31, and she is, well, past child-bearing age, lol. I'm very close to her and her boys, and don't understand why I dream that I can't get near this child.

And, in my waking hours, I am not, not, NOT desiring to be pregnant, lol.

This dream, and the few others that I keep having bother me for days after I have them...I feel vulnerable, haunted by them.

Does anyone else remember their dreams so vividly?