Another party picture!

Dakotah even had tie dye jello shooters (non-alcoholic) at her party. How fun are these?!

You're 16 - You're Beautiful - And You're Mine!

Well, mine for a little while longer at least.

Dakotah turned 16 on Saturday. We ushered the night in 60's style, with retro clothes, lots of Beatles music, tie dye stuff, and peace signs, baby. Add in a dinner and dance, and a fun bartender for mocktails, and the night was fantastic.

I hope Dakotah remembers the night for years to come. She wrote on her facebook page that night:

“Life gives us brief moments with another...but sometimes in those brief moments we get memories that last a life time...”

So true...

Here are some pictures of her magical night.

Getting ready for the night with her friends Alex and Jess:

Here's to you!


Her friend, Nick, showing her the picture he took of the "Imagine" memorial in NYC at Strawberry Fields. Telling her the story of the guy who decorates there every day.

My hippie girl and her buddy "EZ"

Opening the frame that has tickets to "Never Shout Never" in it:

Realizing she is going to a Never Shout Never Concert, and in her own words, "meeting my future husband, Christofer Drew"

I love you, my sweet girl....

Upside down and 'round and 'round

What a crazy mixed up week it has been. My entire neck, back, and spine feel like someone is shooting poison stress arrows at me on a minute-by-minute basis. I'm surely getting old, which I guess isn't that bad of a thing to be doing.

The girls started school on Tuesday. Dakotah has a pretty full course load, but she seemed ready to return and dig into the routine. She has just two years left of high school, and even she seems a bit shocked by that - its going by as fast for her as it seems to be for me.

Paige was more than thrilled to start back at school too - she loves it, loves being there, loves being with her friends, loves the routine. Unfortunately, there have been some bumps for her start this year - we haven't figured out busing just yet, and I was more than shocked to arrive Tuesday after school to pick her up to discover that her aide had been cut to just a half day.

I was most upset because it was done without speaking to me, or even informing me, and even her teacher and the aide herself were surprised with the news on the very first day of school.

She has an IEP in place, and I'm confident that it will be ironed out, as it seems to be mostly a scheduling blip made during the summer by the former principal, but it isn't solved yet, and I've got my hackles up about it - ready to make some noise if it doesn't change by week's end.

Right now, she is physically dependent for help with basic needs like walking and toileting, and its not even comprehensible that anyone would think she could go a half day every day without assistance in those areas. Couple that with the fact that she is non-verbal, and needs someone to work with her academically during the day, and well, it is not only unacceptable that they do not carry out the IEP as outlined, it is illegal.

I'm trying to be calm and nice about it, but I'm also determined and quite ready to be assertive in any way that will bring the quickest result. The nice way would be to schedule meetings and bring representatives in, etc, but the fast way is probably to make some noise publicly - the whole squeaky wheel theory, you know.

So, we'll see how that goes.

My job has been really stressful lately too - my boss isn't sure of the direction of his company, and every day seems to bring a different "game plan" to the table. Its difficult trying to follow rules and procedures when they change on a daily basis. So, I don't know where that is going either.

And of course, regular "life" stuff happens - the engine on my van went; it was a $2,000 repair. Next week, we are putting in a new oil furnace at a cost of $1,500. Back to school uniforms and expenses have crept up on me - its always something :)

Last Friday night, Dakotah was at a friend's house for an end of summer party, with about 20 or 30 of her friends from high school when one of the boys was called away suddenly. They found out later that his dad had died very suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 52.

All of Dakotah's friends went to the wake tonight - the first one Dakotah has ever been to. It was emotional for them all, and powerful to know that they were all supporting one another and leaning on each other to be there for their friend Cody.

I was proud of her for going, and would have liked to be there when she did, but it was sort of a rite of passage for the kids as they all went in to express their sympathy together.

As I was driving to school to pick Paige up today, I was thinking there isn't a single spot in my life that doesn't feel stressful. Of course, that isn't completely true - everyone is healthy, well-fed, has a nice warm bed to sleep in, etc.

But, I was feeling a little whiney, to say the least.

Then, I arrived at school, went into Paige's classroom, where I was met with the most beautiful little girl-our friend Emma - who ran to me, jumped in my arms, hugged me tight, and said my name over and over again, and then jumped up and down with excitement.

With a greeting like that, who wouldn't leave with a smile on her face, no matter how goofy the world is acting right now?

A Paige funny!

Paige has been able to run the dvd player from a very young age. She has favorite movies, and even before she recognized letters and words, she could tell just by looking at them which ones were her favorite.

She can fast forward or rewind the dvd with exact precision to the spot she wants to watch, and she has spots on her favorite movies that she likes to watch over and over again. Anyone who visits our house leaves us humming a tune or singing a song that they can't get out of their head for probably hours after, lol.

So, the other day, she couldn't find the movie she wanted. She had the case, but no movie. So, she picks up the case, looks for a dvd in the group that has no writing on it. She then took the blank dvd and the case of the movie she wanted to the computer, handed it to Wayne who was sitting there, then opened the door to the dvd writer on the computer, put the dvd in, and waited, hoping that Wayne would find a copy of it and burn it for her.

She is so smart that girl of mine!!!

Happy Dance!!

*drum roll*

Tonight, coming back from the bathroom, Wayne let go of Paige's hand for a few seconds, and she STOOD ALL BY HERSELF in the middle of the living room. No other support, no walker, no wheelchair, no wall to hold on to, nothing but air, baby!!!

She was scared to death, and wasn't too happy until we started screaming and celebrating, and then she realized it was something to be proud of.

She couldn't figure out how to sit down without help, and didn't lift her foot to take a step, but she stood and it was glorious!!

How lucky I will be to witness first steps again!! Yahoo!!!

OW!

I think I broke my toe. I was going up the stairs in the dark two nights ago and of course, the stuff I left on the stairs to be taken up by Wayne or Dakotah had simply been stepped over on their way to bed.

So, as I realized it was still there, I reached to pick it up, and as I did, my foot collided with the big column base at the foot of our stair railing. It hurt like a beeotch but I shook it off - until I laid down in bed, and touching my toe to the sheet sent throbbing, pulsating pain into my foot. Every time I moved, it woke me up.

Geez. Now its all bruised and swollen looking and pushing its two brother toes off to the side.

You don't realize how much you use a tiny little toe, especially one that's not even on the side of your foot. It stretches with every step. Every time someone comes within 10 feet of me, I scream, "watch my toe!!!"

Kirby is like a magnet to it - he's stepped on it about 20 times already.

I'm pretty sure I'll recover from this tragedy, lol, as I did the same thing about 15 years ago when I tripped on Wayne's golf bag. Its already feeling a bit better, but it would be nice if I could suck some sympathy out of it for a while. :)

Good thing I don't have big feet - I can't even keep these small ones out of the way of anything.

I think I need to invent a toe sling.

Or maybe a toe cast.

And then you could all sign it in teeny tiny letters.

Happy Birthday to my dad

Today would have been my dad's 77th birthday. He died nearly 12 years ago, before he even had a chance to grow old. I think of him often, and miss him dearly. Most milestones - his birthday, holidays, the date of his death - pass by with a peaceful calm feeling, knowing he is still here with me, and that one day I shall meet him again.

I'm not sure why, but today its hard - really hard - to miss him. Its nearly 2 a.m. and I'm sitting quietly in the dark, thinking of him, and praying for the strength to get through the day without the deep, engulfing sobs that I feel wrapping their hands around my throat.

I'm lonely for him. He was such a good father.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In The Light

A shadow of joy flickers; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My spirit is with you.
My memories, my thoughts
are embedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think
that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.

In the corner, in the hall,
the car, the yard
These are the places
I stay with you.

My spirit rises every
time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish,
it grows stronger.

I am the feather
that finds you in the yard,
The dimmed light
that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.

I still miss you
and long for the
many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.

As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up
all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
I show you that I am here, and you feel me.
Called to you by your grief,
I try to impress my love deeper
into your consciousness.

As you should, I call out
to the Heavens for help.
You should know that
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.

Please don't feel bad
that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me
so many times.
Talk to me and somehow
I will find a way to answer you.

Whatever your question,
whatever your fear,
I will hear you
I will see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are,
wherever I am needed.
This can be done
because I am in the Light.

When you feel despair,
reach out to me.
I will come.
My love for you truly does
transcend from Heaven to Earth.

Finish your life with the enthusiasm
and zest that you had when we were
together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.

Live life for both of us.

I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light.

---Author Unknown---

Dream a little dream of me...

I have about 7 or 8 dreams that I have had for close to 20 years. These dreams are always the same, all the same details, people involved, etc. They come without rhyme or reason, and are so familiar to me that I am almost in an awake state when I am dreaming them.

Its funny, but I almost forget the dreams until I have them again, and then I wake up thinking, "there is that darn dream again." Last night's dream was the one about my sister finding out she is pregnant. In the dream, I see her go through all the stages of pregnancy, with her giving birth to a little boy. Then the dream fast forwards, and I see the little boy about two years old.

In the dream, I am near the boy, but I can't touch him. And I never learn his name. That bothers me, both in the dream, and when I wake up. And I ache for this little boy, totally jealous of her getting pregnant by "accident."

There is so much strange in this dream - first, Kathy's boys are 27 and 31, and she is, well, past child-bearing age, lol. I'm very close to her and her boys, and don't understand why I dream that I can't get near this child.

And, in my waking hours, I am not, not, NOT desiring to be pregnant, lol.

This dream, and the few others that I keep having bother me for days after I have them...I feel vulnerable, haunted by them.

Does anyone else remember their dreams so vividly?