Wednesday, February 02, 2011

FREEZE!

If I could be a Superhero, I'd have a big tie-dyed cape, full of swirls of color and pattern - and I'd wear it over a bright pink leotard (hey, its a fantasy, I can imagine for a moment that a bright pink leotard on this body wouldn't send everyone screaming from the room, lol)  - and my superhero power would be the ability to scream "FREEZE" at the top of my lungs, and make it so.  Imagine being able to freeze moments of your life.

Because, when I think about my life, I picture a giant puzzle of those frozen moments, all parts and pieces of what make me, me. If someone were to ask me what my favorite trait about myself is, it would be just that - that I am consciously aware of "freeze" moments, while they are happening, and that makes my life feel joyful and content.  

Right now, at this moment, I am living a freeze moment.   Its snowing outside. A lot.  I'm not a big lover of snow, I don't like to be cold, I hate driving in it, and save for a very few select moments of thinking its beautiful, I tend to shuttle in and out the door, avoiding it at every chance I get.

But, I'm home from work, my kids are home on a snow day - and this feels good and perfect and right.  Dakotah is just waking up, all that hair piled on top of her head, wearing a too-big t-shirt inside out, still sleepy eyed, and mellow.   

What a time in her life for her right now. Starting her last semester of high school, busy on student council; planning next week's school bake sale to benefit abused and neglected children, working on the Valentine's Day dance at school. 

And yesterday, ordering her Prom dress - "the" dress that she has oogled over for nearly six months now.  Its ordered for sure for sure, there are no take backs, no chance it will not be in.  She is happy and excited we ordered it from NH - glad that no one in her school will have one like it.  Its the dress she's talked about for 4 years - knowing she would know it when she found it - and she did.

She also got accepted to a university yesterday in a BA Honours History program.   It's not her #1 choice of schools, but a very close second, and a relief to hear from one school as she waits the others out.  Just six months ago, I was terrified of her going off to university in the fall - she was so not ready to take on the world.

But six months have made a world of difference, and the tide has changed a bit in our house.   I can feel the shift of little girl to young woman, and although I wish I had my freezing superpowers many times over the years of her being that little girl, I am incredibly proud and happy for the young woman who has emerged as well.

She is a bit eccentric, just like I was at her age; and it will serve her well as she ventures out into the world.  She will question things, and analyze them.  She will see beauty in the world, and injustice as well.  She will laugh and cry and fall in love and have her heartbroken.   

And, hopefully, if she has listened to me just a little bit, she will know those moments are all puzzle pieces of her life - all necessary to put the whole picture together.   I've told her over and over again to capture the joy of life, to try and realize those moments that she wants to freeze as they happen, and to hold on to them for dear life when she is wishing a different moment will pass very quickly by.

Paige is sitting near me on the floor, her beloved catalogs, magazines, and books surrounding her; stopping every once in a while to say my name, or show me something in her book. 

Paige's life has the beauty of simplicity that most of us are not blessed to capture.  She is a 'live for the moment' girl, and has no worries of what tomorrow will bring.  That is an incredible gift if we only allow ourselves to see it.   When she is sad, she is sad, and when it is over, it is over. When she laughs, she laughs with her whole heart and soul, and has not a care in the world who is watching.

She has that innocence of trust with me that grew away way too fast with Dakotah.  She still believes me to be her superhero mom - who shows up with a few m&m's in a bowl, or some yummy smelling hand lotion, or a bathing suit with a promise of a dip in the pool in the summer;  a mom who can love up a babydoll faster than you can say abracadabra. 

It's these moments - just like this - hanging out in our p.j.'s, with the snow coming down so hard we can't see across the street, with nothing on our to-do list today but making a big pot of homemade soup, painting our fingernails, taking out the crayons, and maybe if my big little girl doesn't protest too much, having a picnic lunch on the living room floor - these moments that I wish my Superhero powers really worked.

FREEZE

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