Diary of a Wannabe Mouse Killer

Day 1

You're there. I tried to ignore you, but you have left telltale signs that tell me you are real. Tiny little black pieces of rice in my cupboard above my stove. I've never had a mouse before.

You have chewed a tiny hole less than the size of a dime in the gyprock, searching for food. But you chose the wrong shelf....you can't go up or down from here, and there is nothing to eat. Still, you chew on the edge of a plastic container and nibble the paper label off the bottle of garlic powder.

I'll play. I'm not a cruel person. I tape the hole up with duct tape - the all purpose fixer upper. Sorry buddy, game over, you can't get back ito my house.

Day 8

You are back. You have chewed through my indestructible duct tape, and have come out to play again.

Ha - now we get serious, buddy.

With nothing to actually catch you with, I decide to try a flat glue strip that we bought to catch flies in our back room with. Baiting it with a piece of strong cheese, I put the strip in the cupboard and wait. I'll get you, my pretty.

Day 9

Nervously, I open the cabinet, suspecting that you have arrived for a nibble of my cheese, and found yourself stuck to my fly strip, perhaps still alive, but struggling.

What I find is the cheese has been eaten, there is gray fur on my fly strip but you, you are nowhere to be found.

Oooohhhh...game on, babydoll. Today, you go back to your other little mousey friends, bald on one side of your body. They'll snicker at you - and you'll snicker back, having traded a bit of your fur for a nice piece of fresh cheese.

Day 10

Today is the day. I've now purchased an actual glue trap for you. I hope you enjoyed your feast last night - as it was your Last Supper.

This time, I push everything aside and place the glue trap on the middle of the shelf like the Holy Grail. C'mere little one...

Day 11

You are taunting me. Somehow, you have eaten the cheese again, gotten stuck in the glue trap, left a whole pile of mice poop in the glue, yet escaped.

Did your little incident with the fly sticky make you infallable? Were you able to escape by rubbing the hairless portion of your body through the glue until you wiggle away?

Oh, and by the way - chewing the shelf paper - nice touch. I would have been really impressed if you had chewed the word "haha" in it.

Day 12

Or, should I say, the day the music died. Today is IT. I tried to play nice. I tried to get rid of you without making you look like a fool to your community. Surely, no self-respecting mouse in today's world will fall for the good old-fashioned mouse trap??

Or will you? Maybe you've developed a false sense of security as you have arrived for your Thanksgiving feast for the last three nights. Perhaps you have heard Dakotah plead for the life of the "cute little mouse who didn't hurt anyone." Perhaps you believe my next move is something humane - like a no-kill trap.

Wrong. Snap. Snap that you think you have me figured out. And bigger, literally snap to you -as in snap, you're dead.

Now, I have cleared the entire shelf off. Nothing remains except the trap. Set with your favorite meal of late - a piece of cheese. All you have to do is go for it...and then...you are mine, faster than you can react, you are caught.

Day 13

You little son of a bitch. How did you set that trap off, eat the cheese, and then leave, all in one piece?

Wayne is now convinced you are something more sinister. A squirrel perhaps. A squirrel that can squeeze himself through a hole smaller than a dime. Yeah, maybe even an elephant, or a donkey, or some other gray animal.

Me, I'm convinced you are watching me. Waiting. Laughing. Probably video-taping me as I plot against you.

Its not over yet. Not by a long shot.